Contributed by David Galassi, Catalogs.com Top 10 Guru
Ahhhh, long lazy days of summer and visions of the perfect backyard barbeque take over. Pop a cold one, fire up the grill and relax.
But with a little mismanagement, lots of bad bbq karma and a day that just isn’t going your way, you are probably better off retreating to your man cave with a bucket from the Colonel and some kool-aid.
What could possibly be that bad? Believe me, these have happened, to me or my buddies, who will remain anonymous. Here are my top ten backyard grilling disasters:
10. Gone to the dogs
You have several friends and family over for your Sunday BBQ. You place the well-aged ribeyes in a cooler next to the grill. You best friend opens it thinking that’s where the beer is. He fails to close it and a hour later you are set to place those choice ribeyes on the fire. GONE. You do however see your two German Shepards passed out in the shade weighing about 5 lbs more each.
9. Ignition issues
Your gas grill has always worked fine. The ignition button works fine to start the flames. Today no such luck. Your drunken buddy who is a heating contractor says ” Turn the gas on and toss a match in” You always follow directions well and proceed to do just that. WOOSH ….. You now can spend the rest of the day with singed eye brows and hair.
8. Vegan feast
The meat eater that you are agrees to attend the BBQ of a friends friend. You show up and all seems well. Laughter and cold lemonade pave the way for dinner. You grab a double dog and burger. All the condiments don’t hide the cardboard taste. You smile and munch away. On the drive home you tell you better half and she explains that the people are VEGANS. You were eating Tofu hot dogs and soy burgers. YUK.
7. Mr. Clean
You have work and business associates over for the year-end BBQ. Your wife sets the perfect picnic table and all is perfect. You have your teenage daughter mix your brine and then your chicken overnight with your secret recipe. You open up your brine bag filled with 20 lbs of prime chicken breasts and turkey legs only to find out she used ammonia instead of apple cider vinegar. Better run to the market and grab some burgers.
6. Your friends, again
A slow roasted prime rib on your very expensive new grill and rotisserie. Your best friend is an electrical contractor and install a new outlet on your patio just for your new grill. The roast is send turning, the lids is closed and the baseball game is on. Cold beer makes the day perfect. One problem. The rotisserie blows the circuit breaker, stops turning and your 125$ prime rib is rare on the top and carbon on the bottom. How do you want your prime rib? Criterized?
5. Secret sauce
One of your BBQ guests brings his secret BBQ sauce. Politely you put it on all the chicken and ribs and shelve your Open Pit. Little do you know he has a taste for HOT. He has infused a sweet BBQ sauce with 2 lbs of habanero peppers and cayenne. The kids scream and the rest of the guests guzzle cold beer and ice water while tears flow from every eye. Maybe you should have tasted it first?
4. A dip, anyone?
Your grill is placed near the pool and you have a view of all your guests. You stand proud as you turn dogs and burgers and steaks. You flip like a gourmet and put on quite the show. Almost time to serve you move to the pool side of the grill to call everyone to eat. Your apron labeled “Grill King” catches on the handle of the grill. You stumble and as you trip into the pool you drag the entire grill and feast in with you. “Anyone want chlorine on their burger?”
3. Garden patrol
You are again the Grill King as you watch over your BBQ guests. You do not invite the nasty neighbor who always blows his grass clippings onto your driveway. With all having a great time you glance over to the shunned guest from next door. A loud noise starts and smoke fills the air. What a perfect time for him to power fertilize his rose bushes as you are down wind.
2. Pig inferno
You are BBQing a suckling pig. You and your buddies put it on the spit at 3am. Its now 2 pm and all the guests arrive. You have been drinking beer for 11 hours. As you attempt to lift the pig from the spit to the carving table you drop it into the fire of coals. The fat erupts into a large ball of flames. Your buddy grabs a bottle of water to douse the fire. OOOPS it’s grain alcohol for the punch. Can you say “Towering Inferno”.
1. Pink and frilly
Your wife has the girls club over for a Saturday BBQ. She asks you to be the Chef. You agree and wear your best apron. Shish ka bobs and chicken breasts are on the menu as you grill away flirting with all the ladies. They are all laughing and you think it’s your charming personality. Finally your better half comes over and tells you that when you tied your apron in the back you accidentally had her pink bra intertwined in the apron strings, fresh from the dryer. A cute accessory none the less.
Thank goodness it wasn’t your friends, this time.